My (female) partner and I were holding hands, walking through a farmers market when a Greenpeace volunteer stopped us and said “You two look like you care about the environment!” It was a good line, we laughed, and it got me thinking.
This assumption that a person supports an idea because their identity dictates it is problematic. Obviously, you easily mislabel folx if you assume things like… the lesbian is passionate about climate change.
For the purposes of this particular post, however, I’d like to focus on when we do this to ourselves. When we habitually feature a singular, practiced aspect of our identity and restrain our minds and choices so that they align with it.
We usually start to do this in childhood because 1) that aspect is undeniable and obvious to others, so we lean into it or 2) that aspects works to get our needs met (love, connection, belonging, safety).
I mean, no need to be mad at it. Thank goodness we did that. Connection is important to healthy development, and these were creative solutions.
If we’re still doing it as adults, however, the problem is that this part dominates, narrows our view of ourselves, and requires us to push back everything in us that contradicts it. A masculine presenting person may squelch their feminine side, exhausted by alpha behavior and curious about gentleness. The “good” human hides her wild, resentful of her overly structured life and craving adventure. The “easy” individual struggles when they have a strong preference. A confident person denies doubt, so they have to be right…all the time. Functioning as these off-balance beings confuses our decision making, causes stress and other mood issues, catalyzes compulsive or addictive behavior, mucks up our relationships, and can even influence what kind of access one has to her soul.
What would it be like to allow that primary quality to recede, to bring forth those abandoned aspects of yourself, and make a big messy stew out of you?
My guess is that it will be hard and relieving, as most good changes are. But it’s possible. How do we do this? First we assess. We understand why that part lives in the spotlight, and what’s keeping it there. We look at your history, your current environment and relationships. What set ups require you to stay like this? We mine for contradictory and other parts, bringing them into the light with patience and warmth. We focus on the resistance that accompanies that process. We destroy nothing; instead, it’s a reorganizing process. And there are lots of ways in. This can be done through specific meditation, physical movement, therapy, silence. Whichever way works best for you.
I do care about the environment, so I happen to align with queer culture there. But I’m also into my lazy Sunday mornings, so we did not stop to talk to the Greenpeace dude that day.
I’m ok with that.
…
This idea has extended into my work with clients. It’s thrilling to support and celebrate their dynamic, messy nature. If you’d like to know more and practice holding space for all your contradictory parts, consider attending my “Hold the Principal” workshop on February 4th at the NEST Hollywood or begin therapy with my associate Roxanna who specializes in a very similar topic.
-HG
Email to sign up for the workshop! halliegtherapy@gmail.com